The Art of Forgiveness

Some Baggage is Worth Losing

Apr 16, 2023

When Travelling losing your Baggage is the last thing you want to happen, but in a different context getting rid of your Baggage is exactly what you want to do. That context is the ever sensitive and frightful topic of Parents, Parenting, and Children.

Who is not carrying Baggage from their Childhood? Answer, very few of us. Many of us are still traumatized by the experience of their Childhood. And as a Child you have neither the capacity nor the perspective to make things right at that time and that age. That potential for Healing comes later as we develop the capacity and the perspective.

a scrabble type block spelling out the word forgiveness

Below is a through provoking video by the Psychotherapist, Matthias J. Barker on the topic of your Childhood trauma, your Parents and what we call the Art of Forgiveness. Because it is much easier said than done to Forgive and Forget and Lose that Baggage from the Past. It is a Process which takes time and effort.

“A case for Forgivenesses being the most empowering option when holding childhood pain from our Parents.”

Therefore, without a Roadmap you will Lost on this important Life Journey as your make Peace with your Past and your Parents. Some helpful tips are provided in the Summary below. Taking the first step is itself the biggest part of this Art form because your circumstances are not those of others and therefore your uniqueness is your Art to learn, practice and repeat. Healing is a Process and not a single event and therefore it will take time.

And as your begin this work of Art, remember that Forgiveness is not about Denying the Pain, but rather about dealing with the Pain in the context of your transition from Childhood to Adulthood and then eventually becoming Parents yourself and not repeating the same mistakes onto a new generation.

There was no guidebook provided to new Parents on how to Parent, and their circumstances are just as relevant as your resulting issues. So remember that Self Forgiveness is also an essential part of this path. Blame, Shame and Guilt have their places, but if your swim in that trauma all the time you will never Heal or come and rest on the beach. Hence Self Forgiveness and the Art of Forgiving yourself and your Parents goes hand in hand. Best Wishes and good luck.

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Forgiving your Parents

00:00 Formulating Identity Based on Parental Influence

In this section, the speaker [Matthias J. Barker] discusses how our identity is formulated based on what we see and hear from our parents. The speaker explains that parental wounds can be the deepest wounds that we hold.

Role of a Parent

02:28 A parent has four responsibilities: to create a sense of safety, to nurture, to equip, and to encourage.
03:19 Different cultures organize these responsibilities differently.
03:36 Every parent does a version of all four responsibilities.

Implications of Parental Failure

04:02 If a parent fails at one or more of their responsibilities, it creates damage and has repercussions in how we experience the world.
04:20 Lack of nurture as a child makes it difficult to recognize healthy and unhealthy environments.
04:50 Not having an awareness of your own needs can lead to being blindsided in relationships.

05:30 Forgiving Parents

In this section, the speaker talks about forgiveness and how it relates to parental wounds. The speaker emphasizes that forgiveness is not about dismissing or minimizing the pain caused by parental wounds but rather creating freedom and healing in that space.

What Forgiveness Is Not

06:12 Forgiveness is not about pretending that those wounds didn't matter.
06:25 It's not about minimizing the pain caused by parental wounds.

What Forgiveness Is

06:40 Forgiveness is about creating freedom and healing in the space created by parental wounds.
07:10 It's about acknowledging your suffering, feeling abandoned, and your healing.
07:30 Forgiveness is not dismissing or minimizing the pain caused by parental wounds.

How to Forgive

08:00 Forgiveness involves acknowledging the pain caused by parental wounds.
08:20 It's about recognizing that you have a choice in how you respond to that pain.
08:40 Forgiveness is a process that takes time and effort.

04:58 Coaching Children to Assess Situations

In this section, the speaker discusses how coaching children can help them assess situations and avoid catastrophes.

Coaching Children to Assess Situations

04:58 Without coaching, children may not be aware of signals that indicate whether a situation is safe or trustworthy.
05:13 Coaching children on how to assess situations can help them make better decisions and form positive relationships.
05:28 There are often signs and signals along the way that can let you know if you're in a situation that's safe and trustworthy or not.
05:58 It's the job of parents to show their children these signs in isolated cases and train them on how to raise their awareness.

06:09 Reasons for Parental Failure

In this section, the speaker discusses reasons why parents may fail in coaching their children.

Reasons for Parental Failure

06:09 Parents may fail because they cannot read their child's mind or attend to their internal needs.
06:38 Sometimes parents are focused on goals like getting their child into college or being a great athlete, which distracts them from attending to their child's internal needs.
06:58 Other times, parents may be irritable, tired, distracted, or going through suffering themselves.
07:32 Some parents knowingly neglect their child's needs because they prioritize avoiding their own pain over attending to their child.

08:06 Forgiveness as Not Ignoring Pain

In this section, the speaker talks about forgiveness and what it means.

Forgiveness as Not Ignoring Pain

08:06 Forgiveness is not letting people back in and trusting them again while ignoring the pain.
08:38 Forgiveness is like repairing a friend's truck after accidentally damaging it. The damage still exists, but you take responsibility for it and work to repair it.

Forgiveness and Parental Debt

In this section, the speaker discusses forgiveness and parental debt. He explains that forgiveness is not just about fixing the damage done but also about taking responsibility for repairing it. The speaker also talks about how parental debt is more complex than just a truck repair and how it can cascade into different personal choices.

Forgiveness and Repairing Damage

Forgiveness is about fixing the damage done and taking responsibility for repairing it.
Forgiveness is not about borrowing the truck again next week or trying to control someone's choices.
Demanding repayment of parental debt can lead to weird control, codependency, and criticism.

Parental Debt

Parental debt is more complex than just a truck repair because it cascades into different personal choices.
Lack of proper parenting can create suffering when interacting with the world without proper tools.
Parents trying to equip, train, or encourage their adult children can be inappropriate because they are treating them like kids.
When parents try to pay back a debt retroactively, it turns into weird control and codependency.
Children are best suited to heal the damage done by insufficient parenting even though it's not fair.
Holding onto resentment creates an internal emotional demand that invites weird codependency and criticism.

Letting Go of Debt

Let go of the debt and take upon yourself to heal and repair the damage done.
Parents are not the ones best suited to heal the damage done, and it's not fair to expect them to do so.
Boundaries need to be put in place when welcoming parents back into your life.

Conversations with Parents

If you're underage and living at home with your parents, have conversations about parenting issues with the help of a counselor.

14:12 Pursuing Forgiveness and Reconciliation

This section discusses the importance of having a third party to help negotiate forgiveness and reconciliation. It also provides advice on what to do if you feel unsafe in your home.

Seeking Help from a Third Party

14:12 Having a third party, like a counselor, can be helpful in negotiating forgiveness and reconciliation.
14:30 If you feel unsafe or that your needs are not being met at home, talk to someone about it.
15:03 Talk to three different adults that you respect and trust for better chances of getting help.

The Importance of Forgiveness

15:32 Holding onto resentment creates codependent relationships that invite criticism and control.
16:08 Anger can lead to contemptuous behavior and desire for revenge.
16:32 Forgiveness is deciding to take healing upon oneself.

16:52 Acknowledging Abuse: Is It Necessary?

This section addresses the question of whether it's necessary for parents to acknowledge abuse or neglect when seeking forgiveness.

Requesting Acknowledgment

16:52 Wanting acknowledgment is still an extension of trust and asking them to pay some debt.
17:25 Some parents may admit their mistakes while others may respond defensively or with shame.

Why It Gets Complicated

18:00 Asking parents to provide safety and encouragement in domains where they personally fail creates a chasm.

18:54 Nurturing Someone in the Place of Their Deepest Shame

In this section, the speaker talks about how someone can nurture another person in the place of their deepest shame.

How to Nurture Someone in the Place of Their Deepest Shame

18:54 To nurture someone in the place potentially of their deepest shame, they have to concede that they failed at parenting.
19:01 This concession is necessary to offer safety for healing from their failure at parenting.
Not everyone is up for this level of vulnerability and honesty.

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